doing our best

There is certain music I listen to when I am grumpy, a Norwegian band called Bigbang that my friend David introduced me to. They're sort of classic rock: lots of electric guitar, men shouting. Their lyrics feel subversive to me simply because they're not polite or cheery. This is so refreshing when you are grumpy. I smile, the development worker grump of the century, and turn up the volume. I've been listening to them a lot lately.

My friend Laura, who works here with a different development organization and lives by herself out in the heebie-jeebies, told me last night that we don't have to be happy our first year overseas. For the whole first year, we shouldn't have any expectation or feel any pressure to be pleasant. We just have to survive and still in the country at the end of twelve months. That is success.

I wanted to hug her. I threw my hands in the air, chuckling low (subversively), and told her I was going to stitch that on a pillow. She - tough luck - just hit her 1 year mark and now has to be happy; whilst I felt geniune pleasure that I still have six months to use my Get Out of Jail Free grumpiness card.

Another friend wrote: "Happiness will find you, but for now attempt happiness."

I'm doing the best I can. I'm not particularly happy, though I have moments - passing comets - of happiness, if not everyday, nearly. Life is generally confusing right now. I do wish a meteor shower of happiness would hit.

I am attempting, I am praying, I am grumpy, I need help, I am grateful for the comets when they do come which is pretty often. I AM TRYING, GOD, I AM TRYING!