twisted little heart

People engage in all kinds of risky behavior, right? Some people have sex with strangers. Some drink vodka tonics and go driving. Others wade in streams where schistosomiasis is present. Others eat Cheez Whiz. These are all risky behaviors, a threat to their activity of living.

The risky behavior I do is take antibiotics for extended periods of time.

Sometimes I do this to not get malaria (depending on where I'm living); but when I'm not doing it for that reason, I take them to not have the complexion of a pubescent fourteen-year-old. My face is only blemish-free when my life is extremely stable and stress-free. The last time that happened was 2003. I'd show proof here but it didn't last long enough to snap a picture.

Apparently living in a place that ranks 6th from the bottom - handily beating Mali, Niger, Guinea-Bissau, Burkina Faso and Sierra Leone (I knew we could do it) - on the Human Development Index doesn't fit the bill either. As much as I'd love for my risky behaviour to be tangoing in Argentina in a slinky red dress, it's not. It's long-term antibiotics for my complexion. 

I'll be a sitting duck when the Superbug hits and probably die for vanity. I guess it's better than dying from boredom?

I'm being very flippant now and that's because I'm burned out on death always breathing down your neck here in Mozambique. Maybe it's from visiting Liliana in the hospital again. But I can't even walk a few kilometers in the sun at noon here without falling into a coma for two hours once I reach home, water, and a fan. 

Okay. The real issue is that I tried to give blood yesterday for Liliana. The doctor said she needed more O+ blood, and how it works here is that if you need a blood transfusion, it is up to the patient to supply a donor. Bloodmobiles haven't caught on. Her nephew gave a few weeks ago, but both Sara and I are also O+, so when Liliana called yesterday, I volunteered to be the one to give this time. I was looking forward to it: I can't give in the States anymore because of my recent travels, but interestingly, this is not a problem when you're already in the disease-endemic part of the world!

But it IS a problem if you're taking an antibiotic.

My ire when they dropped this news on me was partly because I'd already been waiting at the hospital for 3 hours (including a half-hour when I fell asleep in the special blood-taking chair due to neglect). It was partly out of compassion for Liliana, who had gotten her hopes up about getting my blood. Partly it was annoyance with myself for being on a medicine that prohibits me from donating my healthy blood when it is such a precious commodity here. And partly it was shame, because I knew I was probably not going to stop taking the antibiotic. You shouldn't start and stop them and I'd only begun this one a month ago; and Liliana does still have O+ friends who can donate. If I were the last person available to her, of course I'd do it - but that doesn't really change the principle of the matter, does it?

Risky behaviors are selfish, in the end. But we still do them, and I'm going to keep doing mine, probably. To top off my moral rebellion, I might buy a motorcycle too, if it looks like I'll be sticking around here in Africa for a decent amount of time. They are fuel-efficient and... well, I'd just like to. "Ha!", she spat.

I don't have a point to all this. This is not confession to ease my conscience. Sara went and gave blood for Liliana, it was fine. My conscience is mostly eased. But it wall of deep thought that I have come up against.

Ok, maybe it's a little guilt. But I'm taking the easy road out and just ending this here.